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I have been procrastinating to write this. I keep telling myself that I had other things that I had to do that was more urgent that this. I didn't realise that I was scared to write this and to be vulnerable.
Luke 1:38—Our Lady's yes—always leaves me in awe. I am amazed by her courage when she said yes to God to bear Jesus! Knowing my younger self, if I knew that I can get in huge trouble for something, I wouldn't have said yes if I knew the risks of my choices. But Mother Mary did! I always think about what her yes or fiat would look like in this day and age.
Like Mary, I believe that each and everyone of us are called to a greater form of holiness with a certain form of uniqueness. Our fiats will be to different things at different times in our lives.
What does my modern day fiat look like? My fiat is a mixture of my courageous yes with my anxious and controlling yes! How do I live it out in this modern day and age? Let me share that with you.
For me, fiat is saying yes to our Lord even when you don't know where is He taking you. It is saying yes to hard and difficult things even when you don't think you are capable. It is saying yes even when it is not what you wanted or planned. Giving my fiat, my yes to the Lord, is trusting Him to lead and do whatever He wants with my life.
These past few months have been a wild roller coaster ride for me. There were lots of ups and downs, victories and losses, new and missed opportunities. Emotionally, spiritually and mentally challenging to say the least. I started 2020 with a planner filled with deadlines leading up to our wedding, We had a lot of plans to see family and friends before and after our wedding. None of these things went according to plan! I was not able to attend 3 weddings of my loved ones and did not expect to launch Magnificat Veils (and have 3 collections in such a short amount of time). Most of all, I did not expect our wedding to be postponed.
Before our engagement, Raf and I wanted October 7 to be the day we say I do before the Lord in the presence of our family and friends. This date meant so much to us as 7 is our number and that date is the Feast Day of Our Lady of the Holy Rosary. We both believe that she has been interceding and journeying with us since the start of our courtship. Praying the rosary is also one of our biggest devotions and we believe that this is something that will help us go to heaven! To add the cherry on top, we also have a sweet spot for St. Joseph, who also intercedes for us and that date this year falls on the first Wednesday of the month—dedicated to his most chaste heart. What a perfect day to say yes to our vocation! However, this is not what the Lord had in plan.
With the first lockdown coming in effect here in Melbourne (around April), we continued to plan on the assumption that things will go back to normal by October. Things definitely looked like that with a roadmap out of lockdown being announced in June. I was happily planning with Raf. As family oriented people, we were both patiently waiting for the borders in Australia to open to New Zealand (where his immediate family is based) for us to get married. I was very positive and really thought everything was going as planned; that there was no need for anxiety, doubt and worry. Then BOOM! Second wave of COVID-19 hit Melbourne. Our Premier announced that there will be another strictly-implemented lockdown. I was so distressed and sad and just wanted Jesus to help me understand. "Just tell me what your plan is, O Lord, Who do you want to be there. how many people and where?" These were some of the things I brought up to him during our conversations, which were often met with silence from His end and agony and anxiety from mine. My controlling self expected a controlled response.
It was challenging to say the least to give my wholehearted fiat to Jesus most especially this year. I was still frustrated with the uncertainty and the situation. However, after speaking to my Spiritual Director, Fr. Joel, he reminded me of a familiar story in the bible.
The Cost of Following Jesus
As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”He said to another man, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Fr. Joel reminded me that if I want to follow Jesus and say yes to this vocation that He is calling me to, I have to be ready to lay everything on the line and submit myself entirely to His will. Hearing this was definitely hard for me! It was not what I wanted to hear at all! Pondering more on it, I realised and felt Jesus asking me to let go and give up my worldly desires, wants, expectations, and plans. Putting them all in a massive box and placing it in His care; surrendering it all to Him so that I can freely give Him my fullest fiat and eventually say my "I do" before Him when the time is right.
To be perfectly honest, I am still sad and I still think about how today could have been as we have envisioned. Our Lady, with all her comfort, said that's okay. It's okay to be sad and be at peace at the same time! I believe that through a lot of prayer and surrender, God gave me the grace to let go of my plans and preferences and align my fiat with His will. It definitely isn't easy, but we weren't made for things that are easy. We are made for greatness! I am very happy to say that I am enjoying this season of waiting that we are in. I believe that during this season, there are many things that God wanted to purify, teach, and change within us in preparation for what's to come. It may not be the season that I expected to still be in, but I know that He has better plans for us, whenever and wherever our wedding may be.
Fiat during lockdown.
I thought that as the weeks go by, the lockdown here in Melbourne will get easier. I thought wrong. Seeing my friends in other states and cities living normal lives (e.g. seeing friends, visiting the beach, going for hikes, or as simple as going to a restaurant and being able to celebrate special occasions such as their kitchen tea or their wedding) was taking a toll on me. I felt like asking Jesus, "What about us? How come we can't do the same things? Why are we stuck in our 5 km radius and cannot see our loved ones or get married?" As I pondered on my entitlement, I realised that maybe Jesus just wanted me (and everyone else in Melbourne) to slow down, rest and spend time with our families at home; to reset, reflect and, most importantly, realise how we can offer our desires and sufferings up as penance! Jesus really told me that during my time with Him and I am so happy! What a way to give my fiat to Him even through this lockdown!
Fiat at Work.
Working as a nurse during a pandemic is really hard. There are days when my patience is paper thin due to the stress from past shifts, long hours and roster unpredictability. With all the new challenges and things that my seniors are teaching me, it's really hard to put a smile on my face sometimes and be positive at work. This is where my fiat comes in. I try and say yes, even when I'm very anxious to do a task that I've never done before. Despite y fear and nervousness, saying yes reminds me that I am not alone in this shift; that He is with me, encouraging and helping me.
In the midst of these stressful and unprecedented times, I see and hear the Lord call me to serve Him through my job—to do small things with great love. From the hardest and most complicated tasks, to simply documenting my notes or giving my patients a blanket with great love. He challenges me to continuously say yes every day and every shift and to see Him in every patient and every colleague.
There are many other ways that I give my fiat to our Lord and I hope I can share it with you in the future! As I continue to grow and learn how to say yes to Him daily, I am reminded of my younger self who never thought she was worthy enough to serve Him, Jesus reminds me that Our Lady, too, was a simple girl; human and afraid of what He was calling her to do. Despite this, she still said "Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum" or BE IT DONE UNTO ME ACCORDING TO THY WORD.
I hope and pray that I may give Jesus my with a wholehearted fiat, just like Our Lady!
Happy Feast Day to Our Lady of the Holy Rosary, Regina Rosari, ora pro nobis!
How have you been saying your yes or fiat to Jesus during these unprecedented times?